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August 1993
Untitled
"Do you seek great things for yourself, Dingy? Seek them not. For I will give you your life as a prize of war."
- Vic Tayback
There are three characteristics that a Japanese Crown Prince must look for when selecting his bride:
ﾅ@
She must be a member of Japanese aristocracy. A quick look at Masako-sama's family tree tells us that she has no more Japanese aristocratic blood in her than Mike Tyson, and that isn't o lot. Strike one.
She must be no more than twenty-five years old. 1993 - 1964 = 29. And when we put that next to a 25 we see that the alligator's mouth opens to the 29 because it's more. That's strike two against Masako-sama.
She must have had no previous sexual relations. That's where I come in.
In 1974, Masako-sama's dad landed a job in the states and decided it would be a good idea to bring little Masako-chan along with him so she could study abroad. I didn't know anything about her at the time because I was also studying a broad - a broad by the name of Shirley Nielson who worked the register at the Pic-N-Save around the corner from my apartment.
Shirley taught me a lot, however it wasn't her I was interested in studying, but my chosen profession of journalism. So I signed up for classes at Trundleford University, Brooklyn's first accredited all-Gentile University. In order to pay for the courses I had to take a part-time job standing in front of Saucy Jack's All-Girl Emporium from 11:00pm to 5:00am every night yelling "Naked, naked, naked!"
All that hard work didn't go for naught and eight years later I landed a job at Harvard. It was working as a stockboy in the bookstore, but at least I'd be able to write "Harvard" on my resume. And besides, it was that very job that led me to the woman of my dreams... Masako Owada.
She came into the bookstore one day speaking Japanese with a friend of hers. I could understand everything she said because I was raised by a pack of wild, but well-read tanuki on a remote island south of Antartica. I overheard her saying that she wanted to buy the latest edition of the Kama Sutra, so I went up to her and said (though with a thick tanuki accent), "Kimi no okane wo shimatte, amapantsu, ore ga kashite kureru kara." Which means, "Save your money, Sugarpants, you can borrow mine."
She was so shocked by being addressed in such a way wheeled around, mouth agape, and stared long enough for me to count her fillings. And I fed her the line that my dear old uncle Old Patimkin Ramsley had used on my Aunt Lamb, "If you don't go out with me, I'll take my life on your doorstep." And believe it or not, for the first time in Ramsley history, it failed. Not only did she refuse to go out with me, she called security and had me beaten severly. Now, a lesser man would have been discouraged. But just like a child only wants the toy he can't have, I decided then and there, that yes, she would be mine.
I began conjecturing a new plan the following morning. I set the alarm for 9:55am so as not to miss the Jeffersons. I never think quite so clearly as when I'm sipping on bourbon and watching the Jeffersons. [Little known fact: Roxie Roker (Helen Willis) is mother of rock super-star ledgend Lenny Kravitz.] It was kismit (look it up), that morning's episode contained the answer to the question that I sought. It seems that Florence was feeling depressed because she couldn't get tickets to see Billy Dee Williams. So George decided to hire some celebrity look-alikes to help out his dry-cleaning business. I don't quite remember how all this tied in, I was pretty smashed by the end of the episode, but I was almost certain it had something to do with fooling someone into something or another...
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