Entirely Fictitious Plans For The Hosts' Progress…
Monday June 24 2002
By Alan Tyers
The conspiracy theorists are convinced that South Korea are being gifted this tournament after a series of terrible refereeing decisions - but we don't think that's going far enough. We have our own ideas...
1) Semi-final to be proceeded by a fifteen-minute "Golden Bung" period, in which referee and linesmen have to stuff pockets with as much Korean currency as possible as it falls from the rafters like ticker tape.
2) Sending off and subsequent penalty if ball hits any German on the hand - whether deliberate or not. If match not going to plan, sending off and subsequent penalty if ball hits any German on the foot.
3) To encourage more people to take up officiating and demonstrate that hard work can take them right to the very top, only assistant referees who have never seen a football match before are to be used. And we don't mean Americans.
4) All match officials to come from Butango, a small island in the Indian Ocean, pop. 54. Owner, President for Life and Lord High Deckchair Attendant: S Blatter.
5) Assistant referees' coloured flags to be replaced with more practical and portable brown envelopes.
6) In spirit of togetherness and communication that is key to the ethos of the FIFA World Cup?, semi-final to be proceeded with live video link-ups from cities all over the world as everyone joins together in laughing uproariously at Italians accusing other people of fixing football matches. Signor Pot, may we present Signora Kettle…
7) Controversy-inducing pitch markings to be replaced with a "Fuzzy Zone" of four metres, so assistant referee can use discretion to decide whether ball is out or in depending on possible advantage to Korea.
8) Germany to have a player sent off every ten minutes in order to ensure exciting goalfest. Also good for spreading gospel of soccer to new friends in the Yoo Ess of Aay.
9) In event of a penalty shoot-out, Korea keeper to stand on penalty spot, Germany keeper to stand in hot dog stall.
10) All goals against Korea to be disallowed no matter what (oh, hang on…)